Mortality Rollercoaster!

Just the other day I was saying how good life has been. Nothing extravagant happened, but I've been happy, people I love have been happy, and I've walked away from most days just feeling grateful to be alive and have the opportunities that I do!

Then Tuesday hit. Again, nothing drastic, it was a mere phone call informing me I did not get a position I had applied for. I was fine in that moment....a brief, brief moment. And then it started to sink in. I was unhappy, I didn't get something I really wanted, someone I had called also happened to be unhappy, I got a headache, then I noticed someone else I talked to was frustrated with life. I lost the energy to tackle the day so I just sat at my desk and did what every woman does best: I cried. And then watched a general conference talk.

Yesterday wasn't any better....I had no motivation, still had the headache, I just felt at the verge of tears and really irritable at the same time. I got my favorite sandwich for lunch, and that didn't help....it didn't even taste that great. I sat at my desk and waited for the day to just be done. I got home, spent time with my peeps and those poor, poor peeps had me irriatable all night. I felt angry, needy, angry, frustrated, sad, angry, all within a 15 minute cycle that would just start over. I just kept saying, "I know...God's will, yadda yadda, His timing, I get it....something better, yes, I know."

I'm not justifying anything, but about 8pm last night the thought came to look up the side effects of this new medicine I'm taking. Immediate Side Effects Include: Irritability, mood swings, headaches, nausea, and depression. Good form. I think I had all but one.

Now to Thursday: Why on earth am I blogging about this?! Because medicine or not...today I woke up feeling different. President Monson said "Physically walking where Jesus walked is less important than walking as He walked." Through thick and thin, hunger and thirst, befriending and betrayal, temptation and rejoicing our Savior walked a perfect path. Today I woke up with the attitude to actually absorb what it means to trust God's timing, His will, and His plan for me. Sure I can look back and hate myself for not letting it sink in sooner, but President Monson's words are ringing in my ears.... "Likewise shall we walk the path of pain. We, as servants, can expect no more than the Master, who left mortality only after great pain and suffering.While we will find on our path bitter sorrow, we can also find great happiness." Christ walked the path of disappointment, temptaion, and pain...how can I expect to become like Him, if I do not walk that path and choose obedience and righteousness as He did.

Jesus Take the Wheel

I've had a memory flood into my mind recently, and I can't help but think how wonderful God is and how intertwined He is in our lives.

July 7, 2007 I attended a wedding in Colorado of two pretty incredible teachers I knew from high school. On the journey back I was in the car with Dana Miner, Julie King, and Elizabeth Lamb. As "Jesus Take the Wheel" came on the radio, I made an "Ugh!" sound along with a look of disgust. At the time I despised Country Music, Carrie Underwood, and Jesus. All my friends in the car kept expressing their love for the song, the artist, and even Jesus Christ. I didn't think anything more of it, but now I look back and am grateful for ONE small experience that eventually led to the softening of my heart.

I'm a pretty stubborn, blunt, and opinionated woman that sometimes doesn't recognize that I exude an aura of "don't test me." I am so grateful that even though I didn't think of others in the car with my verbal and visual reaction of disgust, they still expressed THEIR opinion and testimony of Jesus Christ.

In recent years I have TRIED to be more humble and understanding of my brothers and sisters, their circumstances, and opinions...and Country Music. July 4, 2014, a mere seven years later, I was grateful to be at Stadium of Fire listening to Carrie Underwood singing her little heart out! I've had some emotional struggles recently, and as she said, "This song is one of my favorites because it was my first single and means so much to me," and started to sing "Jesus Take the Wheel" tears instantly welled up in my eyes. The memory of that car ride back from Colorado flooded in, and then my heart swelled with gratitude for that moment. As the song continued it had new meaning to me...and I felt like I was in that car, driving down the road hitting that sheet of ice. It doesn't matter where we are in life, our Savior CAN take over, and lead us back to the right path. It's not that I'm "off the path"....if you will, I am on of the ninety and nine, but there are aspects of my life that I wish were different. I want to be better, stronger, happier....not for competitive sake, but for knowing what life is capable of.

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands Cause I can't do this on my own I'm letting go So give me one more chance Save me from this road I'm on Jesus take the wheel
And for the first time in a long time She bowed her head to pray She said I'm sorry for the way I've been living my life I know I've got to change So from now on tonight
Jesus take the wheel Take it from my hands Cause I can't do this on my own I'm letting go So give me one more chance Save me from this road I'm on Oh, Jesus take the wheel

This is a promise to myself that I do want to rely on the Lord more!

The Windows to the Soul

This is an honest post. I haven't ever really wanted to blog about something like this, but truly the thought has come to me often and perhaps I am meant to put my feelings into words.

The refridgerator: That's what I was compared to when I was seven years old. I was standing there, looking in for a snack when Meme (my french grandmother) said something that was later translated to me, "If you stand there long enough, one day you're going to be the same size as the fridge." I don't think people whether they're kids, friends, family, teachers, advisors, or judges realize the sting of some words or even mere observations.

Fact: Weight has been a struggle all my life. I was teased like every other kid on the playground and somedays it was easier to ignore or fight it off than others. I remember one day crying about falling and as we got ready to go back in, one of the older kids started to say something about me and being fat, but then saw that I was already crying and stopped. I guess that provides hope that inside he knew it wasn't ok to say those things, and clearly since I was already at a breaking point...he knew not to go on. But my nickname was, "Heffer."

Reality: Life went on and I wasn't always made fun of. As I got older I played sports, asked one of my teachers for help on eating healthier (thank you Tracy Csavina), and in high school grew taller and slimmed down. I felt like I had gotten thinner, some of my friends told me I was thinner, but I was still bigger than everyone else. Karyl Goldsmith put something in perspective for me, and looking back I feel like she put in daily effort to help me. Every day she stood by the door to greet every student with a handshake. She noticed...me and would compliment me on my weightloss or on my outfit, my hair etc. I ignored her, I rebuttled her, I threw back every nice thing she had to say. Every. Day. Then one day she stopped me when she shook my hand and said, "Sasha. Stop. I say those things because I mean them, and you need to learn to say thank you to a compliment or people won't compliment you anymore. They will feel like you don't care what they have to say." That last part is what got me. I respected her opinion and I loved learning from this teacher and didn't want HER to feel belittled when I was trying to belittle MYSELF. It took a while before I could look at her and say thank you at the same time. I think it was at that point I let myself TRY and be comfortable in my own skin. Those feelings were fleeting, but for the first time in my life I stopped making fun of myself and actually learned to say "Thank you" to a compliment.

Blogging: It's been 10 years since I was 16 and there are times I feel LESS confident now than I did then. On my mission I gained quite a bit of weight, but I dealt with it. It bothered me, but it didn't consume me. I felt humbled by compliments and always looked into peoples eyes when they spoke. Their words mattered to me. I could tell so much about them through their eyes! I lost myself in the service of other people and when I had companions that struggled with weight I would just tell them, "Look, we're not completely in control right now of what we eat or the stress we face. When you can control it, you will,
and the weight will come off! I promise!" I believed that and I lived it! In the last 18 months I've lost about 38 pounds and weigh nearly what I did when I was 17. But it's NOW, as a 26 year old who eats well, exercises, and has lost weight that I find myself cringing at compliments and making comments about myself that I'm afraid if I don't make the joke first, someone else will.

I don't want to be like that again. I'm not sure it ever completely left, but I really am back at square one. I have a hard time looking at someone that compliments me and saying thank you. There have been times I look at someone and WISH they could see themselves the way God does or at least the way I do. For the first time I wish I could see MYSELF the way other people do or the way God does. Because sometimes I feel like I'm that 7 year old standing in front of the fridge worried about growing to be that same size. I suppose I thought that when I lost this weight, I would feel more confident...but the confidence and love I had on my mission had nothing to do with my outter appearance. How could it...half the time people saw me on a bicycle with a green helmet on and pants under my skirt!? That confidence came because I had a deeper love for God's children, and I KNEW and do know I am one of them.

Declaration: I want to lose myself in the service of the Lord. I want to love others with the capacity I once had so I can have the confidence I once had. I want to look at people in the eye when they speak. I want them to know I CARE what they say. I want to be able to feel happy....like when I rode a bike, looking like a beautiful fool. *Cheers* To new beginnings.

Glad I FOLLOWED!

I work at a hearing aid clinic. Is it the most fulfilling job? No, but days like today give me the opportunity to be SO GRATEFUL to interact with some people!

A man came in today asking about hearing aids for his wife. I started to tell him about our company, the audiologist, and different technology. Then our audiologist came out and asked about his hearing, not knowing he was asking for his wife, and he started to cry. He told us that he just came to take care of her since he was given 6 months to live due to liver cancer. He had been cancer free for over two years after a transplant, but just yesterday he found out it came back.

I wanted to cry. I could see the heartache, the devotion, the love, the humility, and the strength this man had, and I loved him for it. I wanted to stop talking about hearing aids and tell him that I would pray for him and for his wife. I wanted to tell him that Heavenly Father has a plan and while his body may be feable now, it WILL be resurrected and PERFECT one day! And that all the sadness he feels and his wife is going to feel, will be made up! Not sure what the most professional thing to do was....we finshed up our conversation about hearing aids and he left.

The Spirit tugged at my heart, "Go tell him all those things!" He was in his car, the reverse lights on. In a flash, I thought about "The Power of Everyday Missionaries" and about President Thomas S. Monson forever regretting not getting to that man in the hospital before he died. I ran! He rolled down his window and I said, "I don't know what you believe, but you and your wife will be in my prayers! I'm not completely sure how, but I know it will be okay!" He and I both cried. He said, "Thank you. We are LDS, and I know those things, but they are very hard to chew and swallow. The doctors said a maximum of 6 months, but it could be 2 or 3." He eyes had tears waiting to fall as he spoke and his lip quivered as he opened up to me. I responded, "I know I'm a stranger, but I am so sorry for this experience you're having. Like I said, I don't know exactly how, but it will work out and your wife will be taken care of. Thank you for sharing and thank you for touching my heart today! You've really impacted my day!" He wiped away his tears, smiled, and said, "Thank you. It will be okay. It will be good." And he drove away.

I can't explain the tender mercy that was or how my heart swelled with joy! I truly believe that the Lord is mindful of this man, and with the burden of cancer and fear.....BLESSINGS await in the eternities. God DOES live! Jesus Christ is His son, and through Him we can have happiness in times of trial, adventures admists of affliction, and triumphs over problems.

 

I May Not Be A Mommy Blogger....

Oh the joys of parenthood! The babies, the tears, the laughter, the diapers, the spit ups, yadda yadda! I've nannied enough to have a love/hate relationship with all of those. I'm an aunt and adore my niece, but had a little practice before she was born to be an aunt of my best friend's kids! So my blog isn't about how I balance home, laundry, kids, soccer, my husband, his job, dance lessons, piano, my husband's promotions, a terrible ordeal we've been through, or our sweet family vacations. But even as a styling single Mormon, my blog can be entertaining with the travails of life.

A dog pooped in my shoe. Like literally inside my shoe (see below). This poor, 12 year old pup is dying of cancer and at first you might think, "She's losing control of her bowels," but as was pointed out...."That takes control." Alas, I did not keep the shoes and will buy more flats. Besides...I got them from DI and they were from my mission. #itwastimetoletgo

I might have been offered $100 to stick my foot in it, but I was already dry heaving with just the thought of picking them up to throw them away.

ENJOY

Gathering of Israel!

Just last night I had the missionaries in my home with some friends! I love hearing them teach about the restored gospel and how, through it, we can find greater strength, hope, and peace! It was great to see a young woman recognize God's place in her life and although she's had many trials, He has never abandoned her! God lives and I know His Son Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world!

--Don't worry, I got their permission before I posted this! God is GOOD!

A Desire to Share & to Blog!

Many months have passed since I last posted on my blog. To be honest, I was ready to give it up because of fear and not wanting to be out in the open for some. But those who live in fear, don't achieve much! I don't just want to share memories and experiences of my mission, I want to share the gospel and so a new standard I want to live by, "Would the prophet 'like' my post?"

What an incredible 18 months it has been to be thrust into the real world after the simple, dedicated life of a missionary. Something Sheri Dew said in Women's Conference just last weekend was, "It is much easier to be a disciple of Christ...than not to be." When I heard that I thought of struggles to defend my faith, live it, convert in it, sacrifice for it, share it, and wondered what she meant by "easier". Then this comparison came to my mind.... being a missionary can be hard, YES, but it's so much easier to live with rules, structure, and study than to work, pay bills, wonder, search, study, struggle, fail, repent, try again, and feel like you're still doing God's will. When I thought of different struggles I've had, I saw the fun, laughter, joy, and immense blessings I've had that are far more than the struggle! What Sheri Dew said is TRUE! I wouldn't trade any of it because I'd be lost otherwise!Knowing that....I want to be a better disciple of Christ. It's easier than not being one!

So here I am! I'm back to share, explore, search, ponder, and blog!

Here are a few things that have inspired me to get back into this, and I couldn't feel more blessed! Women's Conference was an intimate meeting of 15,000 women gathered together to be strengthened! I went with a #cherishedfriend and she is a joy to share and talk about the gospel with! We went to #sodalicious in Provo and their missionary donation box literally #warmedmyheart! I was able to participate in the Nauvoo Pageant last summer, and that experience changed my life and really made me feel like a pioneer! Let us answer the call of the Prophet and share the gospel, "till the purposes of God shall be accomplished, and the Great Jehovah shall say the work is done.” (#standardoftruth) I want to flood the earth with my testimony that I know God lives and answers prayers!

If you know me (or don't!) and want to know how I ended up becoming a Latter-day Saint, I'd be happy to tell you!