The Windows to the Soul

This is an honest post. I haven't ever really wanted to blog about something like this, but truly the thought has come to me often and perhaps I am meant to put my feelings into words.

The refridgerator: That's what I was compared to when I was seven years old. I was standing there, looking in for a snack when Meme (my french grandmother) said something that was later translated to me, "If you stand there long enough, one day you're going to be the same size as the fridge." I don't think people whether they're kids, friends, family, teachers, advisors, or judges realize the sting of some words or even mere observations.

Fact: Weight has been a struggle all my life. I was teased like every other kid on the playground and somedays it was easier to ignore or fight it off than others. I remember one day crying about falling and as we got ready to go back in, one of the older kids started to say something about me and being fat, but then saw that I was already crying and stopped. I guess that provides hope that inside he knew it wasn't ok to say those things, and clearly since I was already at a breaking point...he knew not to go on. But my nickname was, "Heffer."

Reality: Life went on and I wasn't always made fun of. As I got older I played sports, asked one of my teachers for help on eating healthier (thank you Tracy Csavina), and in high school grew taller and slimmed down. I felt like I had gotten thinner, some of my friends told me I was thinner, but I was still bigger than everyone else. Karyl Goldsmith put something in perspective for me, and looking back I feel like she put in daily effort to help me. Every day she stood by the door to greet every student with a handshake. She noticed...me and would compliment me on my weightloss or on my outfit, my hair etc. I ignored her, I rebuttled her, I threw back every nice thing she had to say. Every. Day. Then one day she stopped me when she shook my hand and said, "Sasha. Stop. I say those things because I mean them, and you need to learn to say thank you to a compliment or people won't compliment you anymore. They will feel like you don't care what they have to say." That last part is what got me. I respected her opinion and I loved learning from this teacher and didn't want HER to feel belittled when I was trying to belittle MYSELF. It took a while before I could look at her and say thank you at the same time. I think it was at that point I let myself TRY and be comfortable in my own skin. Those feelings were fleeting, but for the first time in my life I stopped making fun of myself and actually learned to say "Thank you" to a compliment.

Blogging: It's been 10 years since I was 16 and there are times I feel LESS confident now than I did then. On my mission I gained quite a bit of weight, but I dealt with it. It bothered me, but it didn't consume me. I felt humbled by compliments and always looked into peoples eyes when they spoke. Their words mattered to me. I could tell so much about them through their eyes! I lost myself in the service of other people and when I had companions that struggled with weight I would just tell them, "Look, we're not completely in control right now of what we eat or the stress we face. When you can control it, you will,
and the weight will come off! I promise!" I believed that and I lived it! In the last 18 months I've lost about 38 pounds and weigh nearly what I did when I was 17. But it's NOW, as a 26 year old who eats well, exercises, and has lost weight that I find myself cringing at compliments and making comments about myself that I'm afraid if I don't make the joke first, someone else will.

I don't want to be like that again. I'm not sure it ever completely left, but I really am back at square one. I have a hard time looking at someone that compliments me and saying thank you. There have been times I look at someone and WISH they could see themselves the way God does or at least the way I do. For the first time I wish I could see MYSELF the way other people do or the way God does. Because sometimes I feel like I'm that 7 year old standing in front of the fridge worried about growing to be that same size. I suppose I thought that when I lost this weight, I would feel more confident...but the confidence and love I had on my mission had nothing to do with my outter appearance. How could it...half the time people saw me on a bicycle with a green helmet on and pants under my skirt!? That confidence came because I had a deeper love for God's children, and I KNEW and do know I am one of them.

Declaration: I want to lose myself in the service of the Lord. I want to love others with the capacity I once had so I can have the confidence I once had. I want to look at people in the eye when they speak. I want them to know I CARE what they say. I want to be able to feel happy....like when I rode a bike, looking like a beautiful fool. *Cheers* To new beginnings.