Things You Shouldn't Say On A Date

My friend Jason and I went to dinner a few weeks ago to catch up. We haven't been in the same room together in MONTHS! The best part about conversing with that man is after a few minutes the room feels so loosey goosey and anything can be said. An hour into our "date" we realized we were either going to be kicked out of BJ's or....no, we thought we were going to be kicked out. We were there for over two hours, ordered $7 entrees and diet cokes....we would have gotten a pazuki, but our waiter brought the check, clearly telling us to leave. Our conversation out of context, we decided, would be called "Things you shouldn't say on a date"

"So there I was...reading on a train........after a page and a half I wanted to vomit."

"People are gonna think we have Cerebral Palsy if we keep this up."

"I walked into the Lounge Car that was full of windows on the wall and the ceiling...but it was dark and the lights were on so it was like a f******* hall of creepy mirrors."

"Ugh, within a half hour all these little babies popped up...feeding on Cheetos! Their sick little Cheeto hands!"

"Yeah, one was cute. But he went to grab at my new jeans with those crusty little orange fingers, but I couldn't react because the kid was black."

"Have you ever thought about it? Dogs just wanna eat you."

"No, this guy woke up with his dog feeding on his f****** toes. All he has are nubs!!!"

"She woke up with her snake laying next to her in her bed. The Vet told her to get rid of it because he was measuring to see if she'd fit inside of him."

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Are you kidding me?! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH I HATE snakes. And dogs! All animals just wanna f****** eat us!"

"I kind of want some Tots...."

"I've already had tots today..."

"Who has tots already?!?!"

In context this was one of the funniest nights of my life.