I Remember

I'm sorry. In advance. For some reason these have been running through my mind today. I'm sorry. In advance.

-On the phone-

"My baptism is on Saturday."

Sobs from the other end.

"I need to go."

The loudest silence ever felt.

-On the phone-

"How could you think we wouldn't want to be there?"

"I didn't think you'd want to be my family anymore"

"What kind of people do you think we are?"

Guilt stabbing every nerve in the body.

-At a work meeting-

GM: "Your baptism's tomorrow? There's going to be a lot of opposition young lady."

Through broken breaths and immediate tears.

"You...have...no...idea..."

-later-

"Well it was nice to meet you"

walks away, others whisper of the news

PG: "You're getting baptized tomorrow? Can I HUG you?!"

A grateful spirit and open arms.

PG: "I served my mission in France!"

A Tender Mercy.

-January 17, 2009-

"It was a nice ceremony. Wanna go out to the bars?"

A gaping hole.

"No, that's okay...I'll stay in."

Door shuts. Left alone, my hair still smelling like forgiveness.

-Sorting Mail-

"I know it's True. But I'll never be a Molly Mormon."

Left wondering what could have been said or done differently.

Nothing.

-On the phone-

"Jamie. He got into an accident on his motorcycle, and he...died."

Heart skipped...a few beats. Falling to the floor and praying between sobs.

An American flag. Folded.

-On the phone-

"I know what your church thinks. They believe in some stupid man to tell you what to do. Don't worry...I know you're smarter than that."

A swift blow to my existence and a lump in my throat.

"I'm sorry, I'm a disappointment. I will stand by the Prophet until the day I die. I need to go. I love you. More than you can imagine."

-Over an appetite-less lunch-

"I thought everyone memorized their names"

"Nope, not everyone."

A realization of Agency